I think A Shot At Love gave me gonorrhea through my television

So at this point everyone knows you don’t have to actually have any appreciable talent in order to become a celebrity. And that’s cool. I don’t see why being an actor or musician really entitles someone to be a household name more than a social worker or a nurse or whatever. I don’t really have an issue with someone choosing “celebrity” as a career path. I wouldn’t really want high school guidance counselors encouraging it or anything, but if you can figure out a way to make a living with no actual appreciable skills, then good for you. As long as you have a “thing” and you can figure out how to market it, I say go for it. Paris is stupid. Spencer’s a douchebag. Kim Kardashian has a big ass and likes to get peed on. They all got reality shows out of it, so who am I judge?

But here’s my issue. If your “thing” is “I’ll fuck anyone”, then why would your reality show be about finding your one true love?

Yes, Tila Tequila, I’m looking at you and your massive forehead.

I have a general bias against dating reality shows to begin with. Trust me, I am far from a TV snob (and I have the illegally downloaded Big Brother DVDs to prove it), but if I’m watching people compete for something, I need the prize to be bigger than “temporary fake relationship and the cover of US Weekly.” Like, I don’t really understand why you would sign up to be one of the girls on The Bachelor. Do they even know beforehand who they’re signing up to try and marry? Just some rich, hot guy? (Or just rich, as the case may be.) And even if you do know who the guy is, my suspension of disbelief doesn’t extend far enough to buy that anyone with eyes and ears and a nose would willingly want to go near Flavor Flav. Sorry.

But if you’re Tila Tequila, why would you star in a show that attempts to neutralize the one interesting thing about yourself? I mean, as far as I can tell, Tila Tequila likes sex, and that’s it. What’s that, you say? She is the musician behind such modern classics as Stripper Friends and Fuck Ya Man? Well then, my bad. But seriously, the lady’s entire appeal is that if you ever met her, she’d at the very least give you a handjob. If she isn’t going to touch your penis, then she ceases to be interesting. The whole point of the show seems counterproductive, like if Living Lohan was about what about a caring and supportive mother Dina Lohan is. Nobody wants to see that shit and nobody believes it anyway.

Anyway, I did start to watch A Shot At Love 2 a few weeks ago, and it’s not even a dating show so much as it’s a bunch of assholes getting drunk and fighting while competing in humiliating challenges to prove their “love” for a woman who they barely get to spend private time with. And I know this is the premise for all the dating shows, especially the celebrity ones, but here’s the special secret about this one: you don’t have to use a bike pump to blow up a condom to get into Tila Tequila’s pants. Tila’s pants are taking any and all comers. Her entire shtick is that she has no standards, so why are these people jumping through hoops to prove themselves to her? The show started with 30 contestants, which seems like rough odds to me. I feel like if you met Tila on the street and whipped out your dick (or flashed your tits if you’re a lady, because Tila doesn’t care who she sleeps with for attention) you’d have a better shot of hooking up with her than these people.

The show has definitely had a few enjoyable moments, particularly Jay’s hilarious/sad hissyfit when he got kicked off, intimidating everyone by threatening to go home and watch the show and repeatedly punch a wall (I love when people aim for “tough” and accidentally land on “emo”). But more often than not, I just want to repeatedly punch myself in the face, because oh my god it’s just so awful. The “family visit” episode was a solid hour of every worst nightmare you could possibly have involving bringing someone home to meet your parents. Your date makes lewd comments about your mom’s tongue? Done! Gives your brother a boner? Check! Gets your mom and your stepmom to make out and flash their tits at the dinner table before you all move to the hot tub so you can pass your new girlfriend around and everyone can grope at her? What the fuck?!

Anyway, tonight is the big finale, where it comes down to…shit. Some blonde girl with bad skin and someone else. Fuck it. Not to spoil it for you, but we all know she’s choosing the girl because last year she chose the guy and that’s how these things work.