So I know Angelina Jolie may seem like she has it all (I know this mainly because she says so), but I do have a few personal wishes for her. I know what you’re saying: “but how can you possibly improve on perfection?” Difficult I know, but…I’m gonna give it a shot.
My first wish for Angelina Jolie is that once she pops these kids out, she won’t drop back down to the weight she was before she got pregnant, because that was one scary, underweight skeleton. Also, I thought for sure the pressure to succumb to Hollywood’s “check out my sexy collarbone” beauty standards would be trumped by her desire to lord her massive sense of superiority over the rest of us, but I guess no one’s perfect. (Please don’t tell her I said that.)
My second wish for Angelina Jolie is that once she pops these kids out, she loves them despite being born into privilege instead of being adopted into it.
My third wish for Angelina Jolie is that she stop making such shitty movies. I know she likes making movies where she gets to play with big guns and fast cars, but I saw Wanted, and man did it suck some serious wangbone.
It actually got pretty good reviews, and most people who didn’t like it had a problem with the extreme violence, which I didn’t find all that bad even though I have a bit of an issue with blood and guts. But seriously, didn’t anyone else have a problem with the fact that most of the action revolves around magic bullets? They spend a fair bit of time teaching the main character how to shoot a gun and make the bullet swerve, but I must have missed the scene where he learned how fire a bullet across an entire city without hitting anyone. I imagine movies are easier to write when you don’t have to worry about stuff like “logic” or “not being stupid”, but at one point a bullet travels around a room in a perfectly concentric circle. Seriously? Come on, guys. You can do better than that. (Although it was written by the team who brought the world 2 Fast 2 Furious, so maybe not.)
I also have a bit of problem with protagonists who get to be morally superior to everyone else despite killing an entire train full of innocent people, but maybe that’s my own issue. I know you kind of have to ignore the “collateral damage” if you want to enjoy an action movie, but that was a big train and the movie just pretends like all those people didn’t die.
Also, this just in: James McAvoy is not Jim Sturgess. Who knew? (Answer: everyone except me and all those people I keep telling “no, the guy from Atonement and the guy from Across the Universe are the same guy!” Sorry about that.)
Seriously though, Angelina: make better movies. This is important. The lady is huge movie star, but do you remember the last Angelina Jolie movie you wanted to see? A Mighty Heart? No. Beowulf? Obviously you didn’t want to see that; otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this blog on account of your horrible taste. Mr. & Mrs. Smith was entertaining, but people only remember it as “that movie when Angelina stole Jennifer Aniston’s husband.” Were you a big fan of Alexander? Could you not get enough of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow? No, the last movie Angelina Jolie was in that you cared about was Tomb Raider. And that movie came out in 2001. Nicole Kidman hasn’t had a good movie in seven years either and no one gives a shit about her anymore, so why are we still so hung up on Angelina Jolie? She looks scary, she’s a smug asshole and her movies are crap. What’s the deal here?