My personal Angelina Jolie wish list

4 07 2008

So I know Angelina Jolie may seem like she has it all (I know this mainly because she says so), but I do have a few personal wishes for her. I know what you’re saying: “but how can you possibly improve on perfection?” Difficult I know, but…I’m gonna give it a shot.

My first wish for Angelina Jolie is that once she pops these kids out, she won’t drop back down to the weight she was before she got pregnant, because that was one scary, underweight skeleton. Also, I thought for sure the pressure to succumb to Hollywood’s “check out my sexy collarbone” beauty standards would be trumped by her desire to lord her massive sense of superiority over the rest of us, but I guess no one’s perfect. (Please don’t tell her I said that.)

My second wish for Angelina Jolie is that once she pops these kids out, she loves them despite being born into privilege instead of being adopted into it.

My third wish for Angelina Jolie is that she stop making such shitty movies. I know she likes making movies where she gets to play with big guns and fast cars, but I saw Wanted, and man did it suck some serious wangbone.

It actually got pretty good reviews, and most people who didn’t like it had a problem with the extreme violence, which I didn’t find all that bad even though I have a bit of an issue with blood and guts. But seriously, didn’t anyone else have a problem with the fact that most of the action revolves around magic bullets? They spend a fair bit of time teaching the main character how to shoot a gun and make the bullet swerve, but I must have missed the scene where he learned how fire a bullet across an entire city without hitting anyone. I imagine movies are easier to write when you don’t have to worry about stuff like “logic” or “not being stupid”, but at one point a bullet travels around a room in a perfectly concentric circle. Seriously? Come on, guys. You can do better than that. (Although it was written by the team who brought the world 2 Fast 2 Furious, so maybe not.)

I also have a bit of problem with protagonists who get to be morally superior to everyone else despite killing an entire train full of innocent people, but maybe that’s my own issue. I know you kind of have to ignore the “collateral damage” if you want to enjoy an action movie, but that was a big train and the movie just pretends like all those people didn’t die.

Also, this just in: James McAvoy is not Jim Sturgess. Who knew? (Answer: everyone except me and all those people I keep telling “no, the guy from Atonement and the guy from Across the Universe are the same guy!” Sorry about that.)

Seriously though, Angelina: make better movies. This is important. The lady is huge movie star, but do you remember the last Angelina Jolie movie you wanted to see? A Mighty Heart? No. Beowulf? Obviously you didn’t want to see that; otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this blog on account of your horrible taste. Mr. & Mrs. Smith was entertaining, but people only remember it as “that movie when Angelina stole Jennifer Aniston’s husband.” Were you a big fan of Alexander? Could you not get enough of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow? No, the last movie Angelina Jolie was in that you cared about was Tomb Raider. And that movie came out in 2001. Nicole Kidman hasn’t had a good movie in seven years either and no one gives a shit about her anymore, so why are we still so hung up on Angelina Jolie? She looks scary, she’s a smug asshole and her movies are crap. What’s the deal here?


Charmin bravely breaks the silence on our nation’s secret shame

3 07 2008

Don’t you just hate it when flecks of shit-stained toilet paper get stuck in your ass hair when you’re trying to wipe your butt? Me too!

Thankfully Charmin has us covered.

Seriously you guys, this is not okay. Just because it’s an animated bear that doesn’t mean you can flash his little animated dingleberries all over the place. It’s inappropriate. It’s nasty. It makes me want to kill myself. I’m not some sort sort of poo prude, either. I love talking about poo, but this is just beyond the pale.

But Charmin doesn’t let the fun stop there!

I love how in the demonstration they have a drawing of a hand underneath the toilet paper just in case you don’t understand what they’re trying to simulate. “Oh look, if I used the leading value brand toilet paper and my poo was pure liquid, my hand would be absolutely covered in shit! I better rush out and get Charmin right now!”

Seriously though, you really should rush out and get yourself some Charmin right now. I know I’m hating on the commercials, but that is some seriously quality TP. I feel like the only way any of the other toilet paper brands stay in business is because there are people out there who haven’t tried Charmin yet. My greatest wish in life is that I’ll one day own a house with a bidet, but until then, Charmin will do just fine. It’s like wiping your butt with a handful of silk.

And now it’s like wiping your butt with silk that won’t get stuck to your ass!

I think A Shot At Love gave me gonorrhea through my television

1 07 2008

So at this point everyone knows you don’t have to actually have any appreciable talent in order to become a celebrity. And that’s cool. I don’t see why being an actor or musician really entitles someone to be a household name more than a social worker or a nurse or whatever. I don’t really have an issue with someone choosing “celebrity” as a career path. I wouldn’t really want high school guidance counselors encouraging it or anything, but if you can figure out a way to make a living with no actual appreciable skills, then good for you. As long as you have a “thing” and you can figure out how to market it, I say go for it. Paris is stupid. Spencer’s a douchebag. Kim Kardashian has a big ass and likes to get peed on. They all got reality shows out of it, so who am I judge?

But here’s my issue. If your “thing” is “I’ll fuck anyone”, then why would your reality show be about finding your one true love?

Yes, Tila Tequila, I’m looking at you and your massive forehead.

I have a general bias against dating reality shows to begin with. Trust me, I am far from a TV snob (and I have the illegally downloaded Big Brother DVDs to prove it), but if I’m watching people compete for something, I need the prize to be bigger than “temporary fake relationship and the cover of US Weekly.” Like, I don’t really understand why you would sign up to be one of the girls on The Bachelor. Do they even know beforehand who they’re signing up to try and marry? Just some rich, hot guy? (Or just rich, as the case may be.) And even if you do know who the guy is, my suspension of disbelief doesn’t extend far enough to buy that anyone with eyes and ears and a nose would willingly want to go near Flavor Flav. Sorry.

But if you’re Tila Tequila, why would you star in a show that attempts to neutralize the one interesting thing about yourself? I mean, as far as I can tell, Tila Tequila likes sex, and that’s it. What’s that, you say? She is the musician behind such modern classics as Stripper Friends and Fuck Ya Man? Well then, my bad. But seriously, the lady’s entire appeal is that if you ever met her, she’d at the very least give you a handjob. If she isn’t going to touch your penis, then she ceases to be interesting. The whole point of the show seems counterproductive, like if Living Lohan was about what about a caring and supportive mother Dina Lohan is. Nobody wants to see that shit and nobody believes it anyway.

Anyway, I did start to watch A Shot At Love 2 a few weeks ago, and it’s not even a dating show so much as it’s a bunch of assholes getting drunk and fighting while competing in humiliating challenges to prove their “love” for a woman who they barely get to spend private time with. And I know this is the premise for all the dating shows, especially the celebrity ones, but here’s the special secret about this one: you don’t have to use a bike pump to blow up a condom to get into Tila Tequila’s pants. Tila’s pants are taking any and all comers. Her entire shtick is that she has no standards, so why are these people jumping through hoops to prove themselves to her? The show started with 30 contestants, which seems like rough odds to me. I feel like if you met Tila on the street and whipped out your dick (or flashed your tits if you’re a lady, because Tila doesn’t care who she sleeps with for attention) you’d have a better shot of hooking up with her than these people.

The show has definitely had a few enjoyable moments, particularly Jay’s hilarious/sad hissyfit when he got kicked off, intimidating everyone by threatening to go home and watch the show and repeatedly punch a wall (I love when people aim for “tough” and accidentally land on “emo”). But more often than not, I just want to repeatedly punch myself in the face, because oh my god it’s just so awful. The “family visit” episode was a solid hour of every worst nightmare you could possibly have involving bringing someone home to meet your parents. Your date makes lewd comments about your mom’s tongue? Done! Gives your brother a boner? Check! Gets your mom and your stepmom to make out and flash their tits at the dinner table before you all move to the hot tub so you can pass your new girlfriend around and everyone can grope at her? What the fuck?!

Anyway, tonight is the big finale, where it comes down to…shit. Some blonde girl with bad skin and someone else. Fuck it. Not to spoil it for you, but we all know she’s choosing the girl because last year she chose the guy and that’s how these things work.

Hello world!

20 06 2008

I gots me a blog!